S4EP50: RENEGOTIATING RELATIONSHIPS (WITH ERIN SPANGLER)

Feb 1

Friendships aren’t always rainbows and butterflies, they’re actually relationships. Real ones. Which means hard conversations, messy seasons, and figuring out if you’re still aligned or slowly drifting.

This week, we sit down with one of Kelsey’s best friends, Erin Spangler, to talk about the ebbs and flows of their friendship: from party-girl bonding and boat days to health struggles, depression, misaligned seasons, and learning each other’s love languages the hard way.

We get real about:

How to tell if a friendship is worth saving or if it’s time to cut ties.

The unspoken pressures and expectations that quietly kill friendships.

Why “space” doesn’t always mean it’s over.

Non-negotiables vs. what’s actually flexible in a friendship.

The tools we use to renegotiate relationships.

If you’ve ever had to navigate a friendship breakup, wondered why you’re suddenly not clicking with someone you used to see every day, or want to deepen the connections you do have... this one’s for you. #SlideTFIn

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The Friendship Breakup Episode We All Needed: Erin Spangler, the “Ebbs & Flows” Era, and Why Longevity Doesn’t Equal Alignment

Kelsey brought on her friend Erin Spangler on to talk about the thing no one prepares you for in your 30s: friendships changing shape. Not because anyone’s evil. Not because “girls are mean.” But because life evolves, nervous systems evolve, priorities evolve… and sometimes friendships either evolve with you or they don’t.

And this convo hits because it’s not just “how to make friends.” It’s:

When do you work through it?
When do you renegotiate it?
And when do you finally admit: this friendship is costing me more than it’s giving me?

Who’s Erin (and why she’s the perfect guest for this topic)

Erin’s lived in Charleston on and off for 14 years. She’s a nurse practitioner, teaches yoga, teaches nursing students at Charleston Southern, and has rental property downtown.

Translation: she’s “adulty.” Multiple streams of income. Structured schedule. The kind of friend who plans three months ahead and still somehow looks calm doing it.

Which matters because this episode is basically a case study in how friendships survive when:

one person has a fixed schedule (Erin)
one person is self-employed/always working/managing health (Kelsey)
and the friendship still has to make room for both realities.

The Core Topic: Friendship Breakups, Renegotiation, and the “Soft-Lauch of Me Season”

Cameron opens with the reason she wanted this episode: she just went through a painful friendship breakup. Not “petty drama,” but the kind that makes you question your judgment and your boundaries.

And she names her pattern (relatable to a lot of us):

“When we’re done, I will Control + Delete you from my mind forever.”

Meanwhile, Erin and Kelsey are the counterexample: a friendship that has ebbed and flowed across versions, seasons, and misalignment… and still came back stronger.

The big takeaway right away:
Friendships aren’t supposed to be effortless just because they’re friendships.
If it’s real, it’s work. And work means uncomfortable conversations.

How Erin & Kelsey Became Friends (and why it mattered later)

They met during the Charleston “fitness + fun” era:

HYLO/beach workouts/Atlas on Sullivan’s
then HomeTeam
then going out after

Their early friendship was built on shared energy: social, outgoing, always down, always doing something.

Erin loved that Kelsey was Type A and made plans. Kelsey loved that Erin was always on the water.

And then life happened. Which is when you find out what a friendship is actually made of.

The Friendship Shift: Party Friends to Real Friends

Erin describes their friendship now as “easy” because they’re not guessing who they’re getting. They know what the relationship looks like now.

And she says the biggest evolution:
What started as a superficial party friendship became something grounded:

confidant energy
perspective shifts
support through real life

Kelsey calls it “foundational.”
Not a friendship where they’re constantly doing things, but one where they can:

catch up
be a sounding board
give each other a squeeze
and keep moving

That part matters because Cameron contrasts it with her own breakup: her former friend still equated “friendship = constant access,” and took distance personally.

The First Big Misalignment: When One Person Moves On and the Other Doesn’t

The first real “hurdle” between Erin and Kelsey came after the COVID/F Street era.

Kelsey was ready to move on from nonstop partying.
Erin wanted to stay in it a little longer.

Kelsey basically drew a boundary:

“I’m here when you’re ready, but I’m not enabling this.”

Erin didn’t retaliate or shame her. She just… found other people to party with for a while. Space happened. No war.

Cameron clocks the difference immediately:
In her friendship breakup, the other person attacked her for not wanting to party anymore, as if her growth was a threat.

And she names the real thing:
Sometimes your changes “hold up a mirror” to someone’s habits, and instead of facing themselves, they turn you into the villain.

Love Languages & Friendship Expectations: The Silent Problem

This was one of the most useful parts of the episode.

Because it shows how resentment builds when you’re both “trying” but speaking different languages.

Erin gives love through gifts (cards, stickers, little things).
Erin receives love as quality time (in-person, together).
Kelsey gives love through words of affirmation and perspective (talking people off the ledge).
Kelsey receives love through affirmation and quality time too, but has a very limited capacity when health/work hit.

And Kelsey says the thing a lot of people don’t want to hear:

“I can’t be that for you right now.”

Erin admits that frustration was real because she was asking for help during a hard season… and her friends weren’t showing up like they used to.

But the relationship didn’t end because the truth was said.
It got better because the truth was finally clear.

The Hardest Conversation: Starbucks on Folly Road

This is the turning point.

Erin wanted more quality time. She asked for it.
Kelsey couldn’t give it because she was in her health era and her energy was minimal.

Erin’s honest reaction:

“If you can’t give me time, how are we even friends?”

Kelsey’s honest solution:

“We need space.”

Erin walked away thinking: “That’s it. We’re done.”

Kelsey walked away thinking: “I love you, we’ll be fine.”

That difference alone is so real it hurts:
Some people hear “space” and translate it to “abandonment.”
Some people hear “space” and translate it to “self-protection.”

They only solved it by learning each other’s wiring.

What Actually Repaired Their Friendship

Two things:

1. Structure

Erin has a schedule months in advance.
Kelsey can’t commit until closer to the day.

So they stopped pretending they were the same.
Erin stopped taking it personally.
Kelsey stopped giving “false hope” with early yeses she couldn’t follow through on.

2. Shared values

Even when they weren’t aligned socially, they were always aligned on:

health
movement
coffee + walks
growth

So when Kelsey invited Erin into her world (Ethos, workouts, routine), the friendship got rebuilt on something real.

The Friendship Pressure No One Talks About

This part was sneaky important.

They name the unspoken pressure in adult friendships:

“If we don’t hang out constantly, are we even friends?”
“If you can’t show up the way you used to, do you even care?”
“If we’ve been friends forever, we have to stay friends.”

Cameron adds a key line:
Longevity creates pressure even when the relationship isn’t healthy anymore.

And this is where the episode becomes a blueprint for deciding:
Is this a friendship worth repairing, or a friendship you’re keeping out of guilt?

Non-Negotiables vs Flexibilities in Friendship

This section is basically the rubric.

Non-negotiables (if these are missing, it’s a no)

respect
integrity
honesty
willingness to communicate
trust
emotional safety

Flexibilities (things you can renegotiate)

frequency of hangouts
how you check in (voice memo, FaceTime, coffee walks)
how much space someone needs after conflict
differences in life stage
differences in emotional expression

Erin adds her personal metric:

“How do I feel after I leave the interaction? Is my cup full or drained?”

That’s one of the best friendship litmus tests there is.

The Alcohol Point: Why Friendship Gets Clearer When You’re Not Clouded

They don’t moralize it, but they do say something true:
When alcohol isn’t in the mix, friendships get more honest.

Because:

you remember what you said
you can read nuances
you don’t rely on liquid courage to bring up hard topics
you don’t wake up rewriting the whole convo in your head

They call it “raw dogging life” (and yes, it’s accurate).

The Ending That Made Everyone Cry: Kelsey’s Birthday Text to Erin

They close by reading Kelsey’s birthday message to Erin, and it’s basically proof of the whole episode:

A friendship can survive misalignment if:

you tell the truth
you take space when needed
you come back when you can
you let the friendship change shape without calling it a failure

Kelsey’s message says:

“It wasn’t always easy… but it was necessary to get us to the solid foundation we have now.”

That’s the entire thesis.

Final Takeaways: If You’re Navigating Friendship Changes Right Now

You’re allowed to change the rules of the relationship.
You’re allowed to need different things in different seasons.
“Space” isn’t abandonment. Sometimes it’s preservation.
A friendship doesn’t need constant access to be real.
If respect and emotional safety are gone, no amount of history can save it.
If love is still there and communication is possible, renegotiation might be the answer.

And if you’re trying to actually start the conversation (instead of spiraling), this episode quietly points you to the core skill: get clear on what you need, then say it with your chest.

Need the words for the conversation you keep avoiding?

The Modern Woman’s Contract Guide is a real-world, script-packed PDF for boundaries, friendship renegotiations, and clean exits, without spiraling or people-pleasing.

Download it here: dmforguestlist.com/the-modern-womans-contract-guide

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